Three initiations that made me who I am today 🌑
A student recently asked me, "why did you do all the healing to get where you are now?"
I said, "I came into this world with heavy shit to burn. Even as a child, I was aware that this fucked up shit was not going to be my story. On some level, I've always known the priestess path was mine."
And it's true. I didn't come here to settle for good enough, for 95% of my potential for joy. I didn't come here to maintain the status quo.
I came here to thrive - to be my ancestors' greatest dream.
In a society that focuses on symptoms and not the root cause, I sometimes wonder how my life looks from the outside...do folks think I'm depressed because I openly share the depth of my healing?!
I can see why folks would, our culture hasn't normalized suffering as part of healing.
While I don't believe my pain is more significant than other people's, what's different is I've chosen to walk into the portal of initiation instead of masking it with drugs, sex, food, and what have you.
Because of this, I am one of the most alive people I know:
The capacity for joy and pleasure in my nervous system is higher than most
My life crackles with integrity and alignment
My energy is nourishment for my community
Because I am in my wholeness, which includes deep pain and immense joy, I am a catalyst for those around me.
The people in my life, whether in professional or personal settings, get more liberated because that's how nervous systems work. A rising tide lifts all ships (just ask Gabe what a wild ride I've taken him on!).
This is the magic of personal work. You become something so potent your very presence propels others on their own journey.
So why aren't we all like this? Because it is hard AF! I wasn't born this way, I became it through my own effort.
(I literally could have gotten a master's degree at an ivy league with the amount of time and resources I have put into my own liberation😂!!)*
On the priestess path, I've had many initiations disguised as descents into the darkness. I'll share a few with you here:
In my teens and early 20's, I was initiated into the love of body and appearance by recovering from an eating disorder.
Despite being 5'10" and 128 lbs, I looked in the mirror and saw a hideous fat monster. I starved myself by eating 600 calories a day. I was exhausted from hating myself. It took 10 years to come face to face with the deep wounding that I was keeping at bay by thinking about food all the time.
Today, I can see my own beauty. I love my body unconditionally, and I never think about food in any way but with gratitude and pleasure.
In my early 30s, I was initiated into true love by choosing a man outside my attraction pattern and committing to do whatever it took to support our love.
My attraction was wired around being "almost loved." The less available the man, the harder I threw myself at him. If only I could make him love me, I would be enough.
The irony being the moment I was loved, I lost all sexual desire and attraction. My love life was a dramatic rollercoaster.
When I met Gabe, he didn't play any of my games, and I found it deeply unsettling. I wanted to break up many times in the early months.
A mentor pointed out that I had work to do, she said, "you'll have to do it in this relationship or the next because you are the common denominator." That hit hard. Over the next 7 years, I committed to doing whatever it takes to be in service to love. I've taken us through therapy, coaching, plant medicine, tantra...
Now, I can love and be loved from my wholeness. My sexual desire and attraction come from me.
Today, I am in the darkness again, this time learning to love my gifts and honor their right to exist.
It feels ancestral this fear of thriving in the world due to my spiritual gifts.
And I know why.
In the old days, women like me had a place in society. We were the guardians of the mysteries, the priestesses, healers, and the wise women.
Today, women like me have to forge their own paths.
There's no space for us. We get called crazy, too sensitive, or worse. So we call ourselves coaches and teachers and fight to be seen as valuable to society.
This portal is my next edge, and I am asking these questions:
How many centuries has it been since women in my line were respected and rewarded for their spiritual healing gifts?
What will it take in me to grow beyond this ancestral conditioning?
What inside me needs to expand to share the potency of my gifts with the world and thrive?
Today, I trust whatever the Goddess brings on the path of the priestess - I know my propulsion to grow will carry me, it always has.
As I reflect on the many initiations I have facilitated for others as a coach, healer and teacher I wonder:
How you are growing this winter season?
Can you see your inner work as the portal into your greatness?
In a world that values the status quo what part of the mold to you need to break to embody your Truth?
What is your ancestors greatest dream for you?
Remember joy, pleasure, and love is your birthright. You didn't come here to settle for mediocre.