7 tips for deeper intimacy and better sex for women with autism and sensory issues
I’m going to share something personal: sex is hard for me.
While I love pleasure, orgasm, and intimacy with my loving partner of eight years, it can also feel traumatizing…
Let me paint you a picture: I'm already tired because I've socialized with friends earlier, but this is our "intimacy time." The sensation of beard and lips on my skin burns, our dog won't stop barking, and it's all I can hear. I'm hungry, and the gnawing in my belly keeps pulling me out of the moment. I love my partner and want to be intimate, but every sense in my body tells me, "Not tonight!". The pressure to engage throws me into a spiral of shame and guilt, and before I know it, I’m masking my way through something that should be enjoyable. Afterward, I feel overstimulated but exhausted, and all I can do is ask for some space to process the overwhelming backlog of sensations in my body. It's difficult for both of us.
This is classic example of sensory overwhelm and happens because I, like many other autistic women, have a sensory processing issue and am considered sensory avoidant (as opposed to sensory seeking which will be another post).
The neurodiverse brain is already taking in stimulation and processing it at a much greater level than the neurotypical brain, leaving the nervous system in a state of activation. For a sensory avoidant autistic, the combination of overriding needs and the extreme sensory overload on an already taxed system can be traumatizing, if it happens repeatedly.
Before I knew how to properly set myself up for sex and intimacy, I would override or “mask” my needs to meet my partner's expectations, leaving my body reeling with activation and overwhelm. It would take days to recover.
Over the years, I have had many well-meaning therapists and coaches tell me this reaction was due to my trauma, and while that was partially true, the sensory issues I had since I was a child never went away, no matter how much healing I did.
Finding out that I’m on the autism spectrum didn’t change my sex life that much (I did have to do some significant work to become a certified sex and intimacy coach), but it did give me the clarity to put the lingering shame and guilt down. Finally, my sensory and intimacy issues made sense and I could fine tune my process so both my partner and I could authentically enjoy intimacy.
Autism in women is incredibly under-diagnosed, especially in what's called low-support and high-masking women like me. Because of masking the true numbers are hard to find but recent research shows that 80% of autistic females remain undiagnosed at age 18.
I know there’s an epidemic of exhausted, high masking autistic women who wonder why sex is challenging in ways that make no sense. If that's you, welcome! This post is a compilation of research, my professional expertise as a sex and intimacy coach and my personal tips. I dedicate it to you.
7 tips for deeper intimacy and better sex for women with autism and sensory issues
1. Self-knowledge and Communication
The more you know about yourself, the better you’ll be able to communicate your needs. This is the foundational piece to improved sex and intimacy for all people, and it is essential if one person has needs that differ from the standard discourse. If you’ve been masking for a long time, I understand there can be fear about disrupting the status quo and sharing your actual needs with your partner. Get support from a neurodiverse-affirming coach or therapist (like me). I promise you, it's worth it, and a partner worth keeping is going to want you to enjoy sex and intimacy, authentically.
2. Keep Nervous System Stimulation to a Minimum Beforehand
Because of the incredible sensory overwhelm that is sex and intimacy, women on the autism spectrum benefit from minimizing sensory overwhelm before intimacy. In other words, don’t work all day, then go to a concert and expect to come home and have something left for intimacy. Let intimacy be the primary sensory event of the day.
3. Routine, Mental Preparation, and No Sexy Surprises!
For the woman with autism and sensory issues, spontaneous sex in a random place is typically not going to work for them. Their nervous systems are already bracing for fight/flight and spontaneity just has way too many sensory inputs. Try to plan a consistent day or evening for intimacy that works for everyone (frequency is another topic), be mindful not to overtax the system beforehand, and then get excited! Building tension and excitement for the upcoming date for a few days before the event helps to prep the system and diminish pathological demand avoidance...
4. Pathological Demand Avoidance
This is a tough one. The pathological need to retain autonomy can be a real intimacy killer. I can't tell you how many times I initiated intimacy and then decided I didn't want it for no reason other than...PDA. Find a way to keep autonomy, whether that be role-playing, asking your partner to let you be in control, or the permission to stop and start again, as needed. I've found that sex and intimacy coaching can be hugely helpful in learning how to manage your unique urges and channel them into fulfilling intimacy.
5. The Senses
For the autistic woman, her senses are on fire. Depending on the level of activation present in her system, senses can be distracting, overwhelming and when chronically ignored, lead to trauma.
Sounds: I’ve been there. When I just want to tune into the moment my partner’s breathing or barking dog feels like they are attacking me, sounds are a huge trigger. Try keeping distracting sounds like fans and barking dogs out of the scene, and sometimes, a great playlist that builds the mood is a beautiful tool.
Smell: Does the smell of coffee masked by toothpaste make your stomach roll? Does your partner wear a deodorant that gives you a headache? Smells go directly to our emotional brains and can be very distracting. For me, asking my partner to wash off any overly scented body products before intimacy is must. Some folks take a pre-intimacy shower, other folks swear by Altoids as best breath freshening choice. The bottom line - honor your smell needs.
Taste is similar to smell. The overall goal is to reduce disturbing sensory influences so you can relax and enjoy the moment.
Sensation: What kind of touch, what degree of pressure, and where? A soft touch can feel uneasy, while a firm touch is more solid and present. Don't be afraid to ask and communicate. On that note, be mindful of sheets and bedding. There are better days to try out new textures on your skin than intimacy day.
Sight: Light can be distracting, and darkness can be overwhelming. Use caution with blindfolds, etc. Because the nervous system is taking in so much all the time, it quickly feels threatened, and removing one's sense can feel unsafe. On that note, ask your partner to let you know where they are heading so you are not surprised.
Interoception: Most autistic women have a vibrant inner world. They are tuned in to all the details going on inside them...all the time. Things like being hungry, having cold feet, and feeling itchy, can distract from the other good things happening. It's okay to pause. Consider taking care of your inner sensory needs as creating space to experience pleasure.
6. Depersonalize to Combat Intimacy Overwhelm
There is a thing called intimacy overwhelm for autistic folks. Intimacy overwhelm is when things become too close and overwhelm the senses, creating a dysregulation of the nervous system. As someone who personally experiences intimacy overwhelm and has held so much shame around it, I know how confusing it can be. Know this doesn't mean that you do not love your partner(s)! The permission to de-personalize often creates the space for us to love and be intimate. Depersonalization can look like a body position that doesn’t have eye contact, closed eyes, enjoying role-playing or a fantasy - sexuality is diverse, and as long as what is happening is between consenting adults - it’s all good.
7. Aftercare and Support
Because the nervous system has taken in so much stimulation the fallout from sex and intimacy time can be intense. Depending on your system and how much you mask, you might need to sleep alone or go into nature to digest the sensational imprints and find your center again. Thats okay. There’s nothing wrong with you. Communication is key.
For extra support, the evidence based modality Transforming the Experienced Based Brain (TEB) is designed to heal dysregulation and bring more space into the system so it can handle greater and greater stimulation. I have found it to be wildly effective in managing my sensory issues. This is the modality I use in my one to one sessions and I would love to support you, reach out.
Conclusion
Sensory issues during intimacy for women with autism can be a serious problem leading to stress, confusion, relationship tension, and even sexual trauma.
Having heightened sensory needs as a woman is especially challenging as women are socialized to put other's needs before their own. If you've been masking for a long time it can be scary to start voicing your needs in bed. When I first started my healing journey I remember feeling like I was "too much, too sensitive, so broken".
Let me tell you, you’re not broken and you deserve to have pleasure that feels easy and spacious! Your sensitive nervous system and overstimulated brain need support and validation to get there, and that's okay.
Ultimately, being on the autism spectrum and having fulfilling sex and intimacy is about learning how to manage your sensory issues, heal your nervous system, set yourself up for success, and communicate your needs effectively.
Intimacy coaching can be a game changer and most women with autism benefit from bottom-up healing styles, like somatic and nervous system regulation techniques. I have found the combination of these two to be incredibly effective and if you're ready to take the next step, reach out, I would love to hear from you. Book a complimentary call HERE.
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