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My 2021; a wild tale of blood, tears and transformation

2021 was the year that I lost (almost) everything...

And in doing so found my power, my ability, and my truth.

I'll tell you how I did it and share a practice so you can do it too!

Let's rewind back to January 2021 and set the stage: I'm on the floor doing the first practice of a year long Sex, Love and Relationship transformation led by one of my senior teachers.

It's a "Total Love" practice, do I feel deep universal love?


Instead, I find myself falling into a psychic space beneath the surface of my regular consciousness that is...nothing.

Like, literally NOTHING.

Not worthless, but a layer deeper - as in I am literally nothing, my existence means nothing. And not in a cool Buddhist emptiness way but in a cold hard truth kind of way. #ouch

This, I came to realize, is a core wound. The rest of the year would be a journey in and out of this empty mess of nothingness.

Be warned, this tale involves blood, shit, tears and hard truths.

In March, we moved to Joshua Tree.

In April, I couldn't hide from the truth that my beautiful yoga business was dead.

In May, I discovered we had toxic mold, on my birthday.

And I then I lost my health. My eyes were bloodshot from the mold. I didn't sleep for months. My skin so inflamed I looked like a different person. All I could do was lay in bed.

Remember that nothingness I prefaced this year with?

Life, it would seem, was forcing me to surrender and return to the source of it all - home.

If 2021 was a portal of transformation then those summer months in my childhood room were an initiation.

It was not easy...

Let me tell you, straight up ghosts of my former selves were lurking everywhere!

And I tried to leave! Three times I ran back to the desert and every time the mold kicked the shit of me.

Life, it would seem, was demanding I heal on all levels.

During our weekly practices my teacher would say "All of you is welcome" and this was a revelation. Say self-loathing and bloodshot eyes are welcome?

You see, like many of us, I came of spiritual age in the height of the new age movement, "Your thoughts create your reality" was the adage.

But that doesn't get you very far when you've lost almost everything and are laying in a soggy heap on the floor of your dad's house in your mid 30s...

So I did it.

"Come home" I said to my former selves, "all of you are welcome here".

And I opened my empty heart and dear god did it hurt to feel the pain of my younger selves as I welcomed them in.

You see, this welcoming is about being with what is, the truth of the moment.

I no longer could resist the experience life was offering.

And I no longer wanted to reject any part of myself, no matter how painful, because more than anything I wanted to be whole again.

We are microcosms of the universe and, like the universe, we include all things.
Being whole means being ALL of you.

At the same time I was learning the power of emotion as key to liberation.

In expanding my capacity to feel I found a wellspring of power so deep it's often been viewed with suspicion...

"All of me is welcome" turned into "How deeply can I feel this? How alive can I be?"

Let me explain, emotions are the flow of our energy. Block emotion, block access to the fullness of life energy. Feel deeply, live deeply.

So I crawled into the center of my pain and let it pour over me. "You can feel this" I whispered to my ghosts.

Shame, fear, loathing - I HAVE BEEN THERE!

And you know what?

They are fucking awesome as they show you your capacity to embody truth, no matter what it is, and even enjoy it...